My Pregnancy Loss Story
I’ve had four pregnancies and only one child to show for it. I have three babies in heaven.
The first pregnancy was when I was 16 and absolutely not ready to be a mom. God used my stupid choices to get my attention and that first pregnancy led to my salvation. I often imagine what my life would have looked like had I not lost that first baby — God knew he was saving me from a life without Him, which up to that point was HELL on earth. That first miscarriage, as horrible as it was, was a blessing in disguise in that it saved me from much worse.
After a harsh and necessary breakup with my then boyfriend, I vowed that my next boyfriend would be my last one and I would honor God in that relationship. My next boyfriend was a Christian. He was the one I did not deserve, based on my previously promiscuous lifestyle, but God knew he was the one for me. By grace he became my husband.
The Miracle In Between
In that, generational curses were broken — I had been born out of wedlock and none of our parents was following God when we were born. We had our daughter about 3 years after we got married. I didn’t know at the time that she was my miracle. All babies are miracles — the chances of getting pregnant are almost statistically impossible, and the chances of those pregnancies ending up as live births are 3 in 4 (less if you believe that pregnancy begins at conception). My daughter was a full-term impeccably healthy baby. Praise God.
I didn’t think I wanted to have kids soon after I had my daughter. I thought, “five years apart is good.” I also didn’t imagine that I could love another baby the way I loved her, so I felt it would be unfair to the next one. People tell me that love multiplies, it doesn’t divide. I’m sure that’s true… 😅
At my daughter’s first birthday party I was lethargic and bloated. I found out I was pregnant and I thought, “This is okay timing, I guess.” I had mixed feelings — I was excited, but I wasn’t excited. It’s funny how sometimes you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.
Recurring Pregnancy Loss
I have the video of my daughter marveling over the ultrasound of her future sibling, even though she had no idea what she was looking at. It was precious. Around the time that I was pondering whether to post the video on social media, I ended up miscarrying. It caught me completely off guard.
My first miscarriage was completely traumatic — it happened while I was in school. I was about 9 weeks along and my teenage body had never experienced such excruciating pain and discomfort. I didn’t want to go through that again with the second one.
Thankfully the second one was, physically, as peaceful and trauma-free as a miscarriage can be. However, emotionally, it felt like more of a loss than the first. I didn’t understand why. Why did God get my hopes up, which I wasn’t really asking to be “up” in the first place, only to take my hope away?
I mourned, I drew closer to God than ever, I healed. My husband and I worked on our relationship, I learned how to manage my home, I became a healthier person emotionally and spiritually. These were things I lacked before the miscarriage and I was grateful, in the long run, that God allowed me to go through it so that I could be healthier in other areas of my life.
But then I had another miscarriage the following year… this year. And it made no freaking sense. (Not that these things ever “make sense,” but sometimes we can find the silver lining. This time I couldn’t find it.) I found out I was pregnant and I was so excited. My daughter was almost 2-1/2 years old and I thought, “This timing would be perfect.”
Then I started having weird symptoms — spotting, cramping. I asked everyone close to me to pray for me. I didn’t even say, “I’m having miscarriage symptoms,” because I needed everyone to have more faith than I felt. I cried out to God and asked him to please not let me go through this again.
Sometimes our prayers don’t get answered the way we want; God is still good.
That one was even harder for my husband and me. In the months to follow, I underwent medical testing to see if something was causing me to miscarry. My uterus is perfect. My ovaries, hormone levels, chromosomes — perfect. I should be praising God, and I do, but (I know this will sound awful) I had almost hoped that the doctors would find something so that I could be treated and be sure that it won’t happen again.
How to Keep Going
I’m still processing that last one to this day. Sometimes I feel sad, like something is missing. Other times I see girls who don’t even want to get pregnant having their babies and it pisses me off. I wonder why God is blessing them and not me. I’ve been growing with Him and I don’t think it’s “my fault.” I thought it might have been with the last one, but this time, I don’t think it’s me.
I’m, weirdly, not mad at God. He has been so good to me my whole life, even when I wasn’t close to Him, that anything extra that He does for me or gives me aside from salvation from my sin is a bonus. The amazing thing is that in all of this I know He is going to give us more kids, I’m just waiting for Him to fulfill His promises.
In the meantime, I’ve been keeping busy with homemaking, stay-at-home motherhood, ministry, and business. I’ve been trying to stay connected to God everyday through reading his word and prayer.
I’ve also prioritized time with supportive friends, including two who are also trying to conceive (or adopt), even if we don’t talk about it all the time. One of my friends and I often have our menstrual cycles around the same time, and when we do we say, “Well, at least we can eat sushi!” (Because we wouldn’t be able to if we were pregnant.)
22 Things You Can Do When You’re Not Pregnant
I hope this next section isn’t too triggering for you. It’s, honestly, my way of making “light”of a difficult situation which I’m obviously still going through. However, I am in no way making fun or belittling anyone’s struggle. I really hope no one reads in to it that way. That would be a reach… I know if someone who didn’t go through what I’m going through had the nerve to say to me “Well, at least you don’t have to worry about being up all night with a baby,” I would want to punch them. But I am going through it, and that’s not my heart towards you.
In fact, I found it refreshing when one of my friends admitted her jealousy when she saw her relative was pregnant. Or maybe I’m just weird 😜
And by the way, God can handle your bitterness. He can handle your anger and your pain and your brokenness. He doesn’t mind if you vent to Him, even if you may feel like you have to vent about Him. That is the best way to process — honestly I couldn’t get through any of this without Jesus. The joy He gives me is my strength. I don’t have “pray and go to church” on this list, though I recommend it, because the following list is mostly full of things you shouldn’t do while pregnant. However, pressing into God is the best thing you can do during this season.
With all of that said I thought it would be fun (as fun as any of this can be) to make a list of some of the things that women can do when we’re not pregnant.
Without further adieu…
1. Have a sushi date with your hubby or a friend.
2. Hit up a baseball game, get great seats and have a hot dog.
3. Grab a deli sandwich for lunch or dinner.
4. Have a tea party and eat soft cheeses with crackers and prosciutto.
5. Have a coffee date and add a shot of espresso to your drink.
6. If you drink, enjoy a glass of wine or champagne with your meal.
7. Have hollandaise or a poached or over-easy egg at brunch.
Or enjoy a soft-boiled egg at a ramen spot.
8. Eat generous amounts of ice cream and chocolate as needed.
Nothing comforts me more than Talenti’s salted caramel gelato when I’m in mourning. Except snuggling with my boo while eating Talenti’s salted caramel gelato.
9. Soak in a hot bath.
Add bath bombs, an herbal bath, rose petals, essential oils or candles. Or hit up the jacuzzi.
10. Dye your hair.
Be forewarned: you may need a new wardrobe and make-up to go with it.
11. Hit up the sauna or tanning salon.
I’ll be honest, I’ve never done this, but my friend says even going and sitting at the tanning salon at the lowest setting boosts her mood especially when it’s cold or gloomy outside.
12. Snuggle your cat, but don’t offer to clean the cat litter…
I know you technically could, but if you don’t mention it maybe you’ll get a pass for a little bit longer. (My husband exclusively cleans the cat litter since my second miscarriage. Sorry, not sorry.)
13. Get a full body massage.
If you feel comfortable, let your massage therapist know to take extra care with your abdomen if you just experienced a loss.
14. Get dressed up and wear your high heels.
15. Paint a room in your house.
Or spray paint a piece of furniture or art.
16. Get a tattoo or piercing.
Maybe you could get a tattoo that’s symbolic of this time you’re experiencing, or that belly button piercing you’ve been wanting to get for a while.
17. Enjoy your sleep while you can!
18. Go ice skating, rollerblading, skateboarding, or long boarding!
19. Go sky diving.
Why not? They also have indoor sky diving that let’s you experience it indoors without actually jumping out of a plane!
20. Go to an amusement park and ride as many things that turn you upside down as possible.
21. Run a tough mudder competition.
22. Go dancing, just because.
If You’ve Experienced Loss or Infertility, I’m Sorry
Whether you’ve been hearing it all day or it’s been months since someone has said it, I’m sorry for your loss, sis. It’s never easy. This is what I do know: God is faithful. He is good. He loves you… even if that may be hard for you to believe. I’m praying for your healing and for a beautiful testimony to come out of this hard time.
Your Turn: If you feel comfortable, I welcome you to share your pregnancy loss story below. ⭐️
Hey sis! I’m Imani, the Young Moms’ Advocate and Legacy Activator, who is here to help your family prosper. Also, I’m probably dancing to Michael Jackson right now.